On the Brink...

There are those days when you just KNOW that you are on the edge of a huge change.  It comes in all forms:  A toddler who was given too much sugar by that well-meaning grandmother (and now you are dealing with the fall-out), A husband’s face when he walks through the door to find you’ve decided to tackle that home improvement project (with no forethought of finances or materials needed), the pit in your stomach when you’re turned around to face the mirror after foolishly telling your hairstylist, “Just do what you think looks best! I’m ready for change!”

You know the feeling.  Life is about to bypass your normal routine and go straight to a new alternate reality.

This is a taste of what I am experiencing right now…only on a MUCH.LARGER.SCALE.

I began noticing it in the small stages first:  the general discontent with the mundane drive to and from work every day.  Blagh.  The frustrating way that I could not connect with my usually close co-workers, even though it didn’t seem that they’d changed.   Hmmm…  And in a million other ways, it was this nagging desire to take those gifts that I’d been given, those talents (albeit minor), and do something great with them!  It was a constant tap on my shoulder every day, saying, “Yes, but today could be so much more!  You could be making so much more of your time, and be loving it too!”

Wherever it started, I cannot shake this ghost-of-an-idea that a life that was perfectly fine for me 3 months ago, is now not going to cut it.  That a life which filled me up emotionally, spiritually, and creatively has shifted and is juuust out of my reach.

And the crazy part?  My husband has been experiencing this exact same thing without my knowing it.  When I brought it up to him, and he disclosed his experience, we both just sat for a minute and stared.   This, my friends, is not a coincidence.  We both tried to brush it off as a mid-life crisis, and it may well be, but it is also so much more than that.

And then God. 

Every once in a while, I am stopped short in my tracks from the gift of hearing God talk to me.  Guiding me, urging me, prompting me, reminding me of promises he’s given and how they fit with the path he wants me to take.  And sometimes I can actually slow myself down enough to recognize that it is him.  These past few months have been an exercise in listening to Him.  And he has shown up – in BIG ways!  The patterns all point to one main theme:  My plans are so much better than what you’re settling for right now.  You’ve learned all you can learn here, and now you’re ready to make that next step.

I hear it in my morning devotions most, but the gentle nudges occur every day now, pushing me to question if this is really the best use of my life. 

This morning I was hit square in the face with it.  I was reading Psalm 105 (a brief synopsis of the Israelites entrance and exit from Egypt).  I read how God worked through Joseph to bring the Israelites into Egypt so they would survive the famine/drought.  They lived happily there for hundreds of years.  And then he hardened the Egyptians hearts against them so that life became difficult.  Finally, he leads them out of Egypt (laden with money!) and answers their requests for food, water and guidance as he leads them through the desert.

And I saw it.  I could almost feel it spread out before me.  He brought me into this wonderful current version of my life.  And it has been wonderful.  But it has gone stale.  He is disenchanting me with it in order to prepare me for all of the amazing things he has planned.  Could the Israelites have dreamed of a life of freedom where God literally fed them with bread from heaven?  Can I dream of that?